The five behavioural pillars of people pleasing

Before we get into the steps themselves, a brief caveat. If it feels possible, reasonable and you have good support networks that will enable you to implement these five pillars, go for it. If you don’t yet have that, a pre-preparatory step may be required. Take some time to think about the people or situations in your life where you can already do any of the five things below. Just as importantly, think about the people or situations where you absolutely cannot.

For those who lack confidence in their ability to be assertive, the prospect of holding good boundaries can often induce a lot of anxiety. Holding boundaries is not a wholly individual endeavour. It requires a measure of co-operation, acceptance or, at the very least an absence of resistance, to be effective. By building an awareness of the circumstances where you can or can’t already assert yourself, you’ll be able to expand and define your boundaries with more confidence.

• Saying, “No”. 

 A “yes” is rarely questioned. It doesn’t require justification or explanation. Whilst we can all appreciate the principle behind, “No is a complete sentence.” it’s often much harder to apply in practice. The first step may require you to get in the habit of using buffering phrases, such as: “If I can, I will, but I’ll need to have a look first.” or “Let me see what else I have on. I’ll let you know after XYZ.”. These are complete enough responses, so that you’re much less likely to need to defend them. It will give you the space to consider exactly what has been asked of you. Consider whether or not you have the time, resources or even the inclination to take it on and then give an informed answer. Being able to say, “No” by itself is often dependent on the receiver. Some people will be better at it than others. If you’re in a new environment, you can use buffering to test how receptive or resistant new people will be to your assertiveness. 

              2) Don’t always be the first person to say, “Yes.” 

When a task, favour or request for support gets put out into a group, a game of social chicken often takes place. Many people in a group will be subconsciously aware that all they have to do is wait a few minutes for the team people pleasers to rush forward and grab it. You don’t have to be that person. The more you do this, the more you will find people wait for you to do it. You may even condition them into the expectation that they won’t ever have to volunteer themselves. There’s very rarely any malice in this dynamic. However, if a path of lower resistance opens before us, especially in more stressful or under-resourced environments like workplaces, it is human nature to take it. If you have the time, resources and inclination then by all means take the task on but always give yourself space to objectively assess the circumstances first. 

              3) Saying what it is you want, need or prefer when asked. 

“Where do you want to go?” “What do you want to eat?” “What do you want to watch?” “What do you want to do?” “I’m just going downstairs; can I get you anything?” Is your answer to this sort of enquiry often something along the lines of, “Oh I don’t mind, whatever you want.” “I’m easy, don’t worry about me.” “I’m happy with anything.” “Whatever you’d prefer.”? The sentiments above might often be authentic. They might even be genuine more often than not. It can seem a small thing, but by habitually suppressing our preferences at all times we implicitly make ourselves second class citizens. Our needs become fundamentally less important than other peoples’. This can become such an entrenched, reflexive habit that we can lose our ability to answer these questions. We can feel put on the spot and pressured, even shameful of our inability to answer. In these cases, a deflection can become our psychologically safest option. Self-prioritization is not like riding a bike, it’s a behavioural muscle that needs regular exercise or it will atrophy. In the early stages of implementing this pillar, you might have to go away and think about it for a bit. By saying our needs or wants out loud, they still might not be met, but that’s not really our end goal. The more important outcome is to acclimate yourself to putting even your smallest needs on par with other peoples’. One trick for this is to think of someone in your life who’s a particularly psychologically safe pair of hands. Their job is to not let you get away with deflecting these questions and to keep pushing you for an answer, even if it makes you annoyed with them for doing so. Perhaps have a safe word for this, as long as you don’t immediately deploy it as soon as you’re asked. Allow other people the opportunity to meet your needs and feel needed by you in return, which leads to: 

              4) Accepting support when it’s offered. 

This is one of the more pernicious habits of people pleasing. When we deflect the efforts of others to support or help us, we implicitly reject them. Do this enough and people will stop offering. It’s amazing how often people pleasers develop the sense that they go unseen and unthought of, that nobody takes any consideration of them. Unfortunately, the habit of denying support is largely, though rarely entirely, to blame. Think about how much satisfaction you get from being needed by others. People pleasers can often become the foundation of their social groups and workplaces. It feels great to be that person, to be the one that people can consistently rely on. Knowing that, don’t neglect to give other people the opportunity to get that feeling from you. They might not get it right the first time. Their efforts might be well meaning but ultimately counter-productive, especially if you don’t voice how they can best help you. They’ll never get better if you don’t give them sufficient opportunities to try. 

              5) Saying what it is you need, want or prefer without needing to be asked first. 

This is the pillar that people pleasers most often struggle to imagine themselves doing. If someone asks us something, it gives us implicit permission to contribute or speak up. Without that permission, the risk and uncertainty are that much greater. However, if we always wait for someone to step towards us before we allow ourselves to speak up, opportunities and possibilities are likely to pass us by. When people talk about, “Good communication” in relationships, this dynamic is often a significant part of what they’re talking about. We can’t always wait for permission. We will, at least occasionally, have to be the one to take that terrifying first step towards the other person. In essence, vulnerability. When we do this, we volunteer ourselves for a potential pain, rejection, that feels threatening on an existential level. It won’t always work, and it won’t always be enough to get the outcome you most hope for. You might not always get it, “right”. But, if you habitually stay silent and suppress yourself, you are guaranteed to lose out.